Eight of the freakiest Valentine’s cards ever sent

13 Feb 2015 @ 9.20 pm
| History

Valentine’s cards these days are filled with love, tenderness, romance and other useless stuff.

Not so back in the day. This collection of historic Valentine’s cards from the York Castle Museum collection shows there was a time when St V’s Day was a chance to dish out some hard-hitting advice.

Brace yourself for the tough love of yesteryear…

1. Take any offer of marriage, pet


Remember, you’ll soon be a hideous crone that even monocle-wearing berks will flee from.

2. Stop that, or get a room


The poem underneath reads…

Don’t be silly, hide your loves;
Such display rediculous proves,
It’s time to spoon in the honey moon,
But why begin so very soon.

In other words, this man’s wandering hands, and his sweetheart’s clear enjoyment, is the sort of Percy Filth that should not be seen outside of darkened marital bedroom.

Fortunately the young men and women of York today are altogether more decorous.

3. Life is miserable without a wife


The message is clear. Without a wife to cook you lovely meals and look after your health, you’ll end up drinking tiny cocktails and poking your finger into a lighted candle.

4. Life is miserable with a wife


The ditty reads…

You think yourself a knowing chap
You do upon my word,
But you’ll be caught in woman’s trap
You silly dickey bird.

We’re guessing not everything was happy at home for the creator of this card.

Mind you Dickie Bird, the legendary Yorkshire cricket umpire, never did take him a wife. So there you go.

5. Get a man or end up a lonely cat lady


This time the prophecy mirror seems to be saying, “Grab yourself any passing slice of Y chromosome pie or you’ll die alone and turn into food for Tiddles.”

6. Happy Valentine’s, loser


Here’s a card that makes Tinder look like Mills and Boon. The message reads…

Who’ll bid for this Love, come Gents one and all
Don’t be backward my lads, her price is but small.
But no one will bid. The opinion they hold,
He who buys such a lot will find himself sold.

Cupid can be a brutal bugger sometimes. That said, her nose is bigger than her feet.

7. Gossip girls never get their man


We think there’s some sort of moral here about spreading gossip. Either that or someone has left the severed head of Miss Freaky Big Ear on this woman’s wall and she’s trying to kiss it off. Go figure.

8. Just add chap


When the Castle Museum discovered this card last Valentine’s Day, they declared it the worst one ever made. Because that, my friends, is real hair.

Real. Hair. And not necessarily from the donor’s face, by the look of it.

Here’s hoping your Valentine’s Day is carefree. And hair free.