‘You can learn to trust again’ – These words of wisdom from a rape survivor are truly inspiring

Why did you wait so long to report the rape?

At the time it happened to me most victims were not believed. The messages you heard in the press and on TV was that it must have been the victim’s fault.

I didn’t want the public shame. I was already overwhelmed with everything else I was processing, without the interrogation of the police on top. I didn’t believe that people would believe me because I’d been made to believe it was my fault.

What changed your mind?

In 2012 two things happened to change my mind. I was setting up my business and knew I wanted to do something to help others so I needed to be OK with my own journey, and the Jimmy Savile situation exploded.

As horrible as that was it showed me that the world had changed and that there was more support for victims. I also knew I was ready, I was strong enough now.

How was the response from the police and judicial system?

The police were fantastic, they told me they believed me at every stage and were very sensitive throughout.

The judicial system was horrendous.

Nothing can prepare you for the cross examination and although these cases are positioned as a crown case vs the defendant it really does come down to you versus them – your attacker.

How did you feel about the outcome of the trial?

My rapist was found guilty and got a five-year sentence, half in prison and half outside. I think the justice went a long way to helping other people feel better, like my Dad.

For me the court process became a distraction from doing my own healing work with my therapist and added to the ‘stuff’ you end up having to process.

I’m glad and very surprised given the nature of the case that we got a guilty verdict, it’s very rare [only one in three cases get a guilty verdict]. There are a lot of people who never even get near a guilty verdict despite knowing their attacker did what they did.

Were you able to form relationships again?

Over time absolutely you can learn to trust again. Although it’s complex and tough sometimes, it’s worth doing the work with the right support.

Learning to be OK feeling vulnerable has been a big part of my journey and has enabled me to let love back in, especially in forgiving myself.

I’m in a relationship with a lovely man now. I don’t have a family of my own but there’s still time.

What’s your response to the Harvey Weinstein revelations and their aftermath?

I think it’s great that people are speaking out and we need to be careful not to go on a witch hunt.

A world where men and women come together to do the right thing, to create a more balanced, healthier respectful world for each other can only be a good thing.

It’s also important that people don’t feel pressured to speak out due to things like #metoo because other people are. You have to feel ready and choose for you, that’s really important. Feeling empowered is key in this process.

After recent assaults on York women, do you worry about the safety of women in this city?

I worry about the safety of women all over the world not just in York. It’s important people know how to get home safely and take extra precautions. Stay in groups of threes and no walking home alone.

It’s also worth knowing that stranger rape is far less likely than being sexually assaulted by someone you know.

What is your message to other victims?

You absolutely can recover from such an ordeal. Sharing your story with someone is the first step in taking back your power, whether it’s the police a friend or a therapist. Talk to someone who will listen without judgment.

The justice process isn’t for everyone, you have to choose what’s right for you. And please speak out to charities like IDAS, they have so much expertise for victims and their families.

My independent sexual violence adviser was like my Guardian Angel when I was going through the investigation, I wouldn’t have been able to thrive without her.

What are your hopes for the book?

I want the book to offer hope to people. It can feel pretty dark sometimes. And it can feel pretty isolating.

The book is full of resources and guide posts as to where and how to get help.

Although it follows my journey, I hope it will act as a resourceful tool for other victims and their families to start to understand what needs to be in place to help other brave souls to start their own healing.