Miles On Monday: Heaven’s above, this UKIP lot are a shower

Miles Salter. Photograph: Kippa Matthews
27 Jan 2014 @ 8.35 pm
| Opinion
Miles Salter. Photograph: Kippa Matthews
Miles Salter. Photograph: Kippa Matthews

In the first of his new regular columns, Miles On Monday, York writer Miles Salter realises why there were no gay hamsters on the ark

That nice UKIP party have been at it again. One of their number, Councillor David Silvester, suggested floods had happened after David Cameron acted “arrogantly against the gospel” following his review of the situation on gay marriage.

At last, the nice man from UKIP has pointed out what we have all suspected for some time: anybody who is attracted to somebody from the same sex will be subject to good soaking, courtesy of God.

I mean, that subject, has, for way too long, been the elephant in the room. It’s commonly known that gay men, on average, suffer from 42 per cent more showers than their heterosexual counterparts.

Personally, I’m grateful to the man from UKIP for making this explicit. In fact, it puts my mind at ease.

I could never understand why, as a 24 year old man living in Hull, I once found the bloke at the bus stop strangely alluring, and, no word of lie, a few minutes later the heavens opened! I was soaked.

And with my glasses misting up and a damp patch in my trousers, I watched as the man in question met up with his girlfriend. It took me a long time to dry out. And whenever I felt similar urges sweep over me, a drenching would swiftly follow.

God has always used his heavenly water cannon to great effect: look at Noah and the flood. The animals went in two by two, but don’t forget: there were no gay hamsters on that boat.

It’s well known that wetness and homosexuality go hand in hand: just look at Tom Daley, the Olympic diver who said, not two months ago, that he was in a relationship with a man.

Often submerged… Tom Daley in Splash. Photograph: Tony Ward for ITV / TwoFour
Often submerged… Tom Daley in Splash. Photograph: Tony Ward for ITV / TwoFour

Daley did not, shock horror, use the words “gay”, “homosexual” or “bisexual”, but said instead that he felt good to be with a bloke. “In spring this year my life changed massively when I met someone, and they make me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great.”

But wait! Daley is a diver, and spends large amounts of time in water. If being gay means you’ll be hit by a thunderous deluge, perhaps the equation works the other way around.

Could it be that Tom, having spent hundred of hours paddling in the deep end, has been physically affected? And there are other links too: Manchester’s famous Canal Street, where members of the gay community like to socialise, is a watery location.

There’s even a gay and lesbian rowing federation!! Clearly, things involving large amounts of moisture and preferring members of one’s own sex go hand in hand, preferably in the direction of the beach.

As some wag on Twitter’s comedic feed, UKIP Weather, commented: “A lingering look between 2 men at a gym in York has sparked concerns from residents living near the River Ouse.”

Laughing aside though… by the time this column is published, the Weather Girls’ camp Eighties classic It’s Raining Men could be at number one in the charts, after a Facebook campaign to get them to top the weekly poll as a cheeky protest against the utter nonsense that UKIP come up with.

And I hope it does, because UKIP’s latest pronouncement shows what a horrible, dangerous bunch they are. As the comedian Mark Thomas said when he performed at York’s Basement Bar last year, “UKIP are political chlamydia”.

Thomas is right. Whilst the debacle over homosexuality and floods is laughable, the party’s presence on the political stage is not. UKIP could have a real influence on the political landscape in the next couple of years.

Let’s hope people see past the laughs and recognise the party for the ignorant, small minded twits they really are.