Clarke Carlisle on his horror York accident: ‘I wanted to die’
Clarke Carlisle has spoken for the first time about the torment that drove him to throw himself in front of a lorry on the A64 near York.
The footballer and TV pundit had been struggling with depression for 18 months. When he hit rock bottom he even considered hanging himself at Bootham Crescent, the home of York City. He played for the club between August and November 2012.
A series of personal and professional setbacks had left him in despair. “I wanted to die,” he told the Sun newspaper on Thursday (February 5).
On the morning of December 22, 2014, Carlisle was hit by a lorry on the A64 near Bishopthorpe, and was airlifted to Leeds General Infirmary with serious injuries.
He told the paper that he had thrown himself in front of a speeding lorry in a bid to end his life.
It followed his realisation that his footballing career was nearly at an end, and the decision by ITV to drop him as a £100,000 a year pundit.
After TV bosses told him the news he went to a casino and by the end of the night he had “blown all the money he and wife Gemma had”. Hours later he was charged with drink driving.
He said: “I had to die. This wasn’t escaping or running away. This was the perfect answer.”
Clarke disappeared for 40 hours, sleeping rough and planning his suicide.
He told The Sun:
Drowning is messy — people can jump in and save you. There are lifebelts.
I went to the train station but trains are too slow. There are bright lights and people can see.
I walked past Bootham Crescent — my former ground at York City — and thought about the irony of hanging myself inside the stadium.
He booked into a hotel overnight, then got up and walked around York for 12 hours before stepping in front of a train. At the last minute he thought the train wasn’t travelling quickly enough to kill him, so he jumped off the tracks.
Clarke walked along the A64. He said:
I saw the big truck. There was no rush. I walked up to the barrier, stepped over it casually. The lorry was about 20 yards away.
I thought, ‘You’re the one.’ I took two steps into the road and then jumped into the truck, like a full shoulder charge. I can remember that impact. Bang. Then lights out. I don’t know how long had passed. It must have been a few minutes.
I opened my eyes and I could see my hands in front of me and there’s blood dripping down them. I thought, ‘You’re kidding me?’
Somebody said, ‘Don’t move, mate, help’s on its way.’
Amazingly he had survived. He had cuts, bruises, internal bleeding, a broken rib, a shattered knee and his head “went twice the size”.
On Christmas Day he was admitted to a psychiatric unit in Harrogate. He was there till he was discharged last Friday.
“I ventured out of my room not as Clarke the ex-footballer, but as Clarke, a mental health patient,” he told the paper.
“That was the first step in my road to recovery.”
Openness ‘elevates him to higher level’
Communications & community director for York City FC Sophie McGill has just written about Clarke for the programme for the match on Saturday (February 7) against Dagenham & Redbridge.
“We are very pleased to see our former player, Clarke Carlisle, has left hospital. He has now candidly spoken about this incident as a suicide attempt and how he is getting real help for his mental health issues,” Sophie writes
“Clarke is already a pioneer in football with his appearance on Question Time and his work with the PFA, but his openness about the severity of his illness will now elevate him to a higher level.”
People in football know that some players have mental health and addiction issues, Sophie says. She adds:
As a club, we have always taken a paternalistic approach and have tried to provide heIp and support where we can.
Our club chaplains have proved invaluable in this area and have given counselling and friendship to help players deal with the pressures of their lives and careers.
Lots of people suffer depression but because he’s an ex footballer he gets the headlines. Many others don’t. Also nothing mentioned about the lorry drivers or others his actions affected it could affect the driver mentally. T
Agreed Jerry Wayne Fortner if he had have been killed, that driver would have had to live with that for the rest of his life
Sorry but think of the poor wagon driver selfish prat
I think he was totally selfish…His poor family, the poor truck driver, the people who lost income cos they couldn’t get to a job or work…
I was stuck in that queue of traffic (about 5 cars back) from 7.30 til they
turned us round at 9 with a screaming toddler, got a flat battery & got to work at 11.30.
Having had depression myself I understand he wasn’t thinking straight but it was still an act of selfishness.
Well if you’ve suffered from depression yourself (as I have), then that makes your comment all the more unbelievably callous, wretched and pathetic. So you were stuck in a queue for 90 minutes? With a crying child? And were selfish enough to allow your battery to go flat, and thus inconveniencing those around you? Excuse me while I play a concerto on a violin and shower a tsunami of sympathy over your heartless, compassionless self.
Elevates him to a higher level of selfishness
You arrogant idiot. The man was ill. Depression is a potentially fatal illness, not selfishness. Ignorant people like you are well deserving of my contempt.
As im a lorry driver if he wanted to take his own life he shouldn’t have Involved someone else!! Every day now that driver is probably go a see that every time he shuts his eyes!
I suggest anyone suffering from depression tries the http://destroydepression.com/info.php System. It is written by someone who recovered from depression and PTSD, and teaches 7 natural steps which help to eliminate depression from your life. It is obvious that current treatments are just not working. Too many talented people like Clarke are losing their lives to this awful illness, and itâs getting worse so more research needs to be done into natural remedies that have much better results than drugs do. I applaud Clarke for coming out and being honest with his struggle, and I also suggest those saying “he had no thought for the lorry driver” or “he was caught drink-driving multiple times”, understand that he has a mental illness – and this illness clouds your judgment in a huge way.
He was in a very bad place. It is okay to feel sorry for the drivers involved, as I do too, but when somebody sees this as their only option, they need our help, not our judgement.
Quite right
Total Respect. I hope he gets the help he needs to recover from this. I am fed up of seeing all the negative comments about what he did. The man was ill and not thinking about the consequences of his actions! There is such ignorance to mental health. So well done Clarke ð
Total Respect. I hope he gets the help he needs to recover from this. I am fed up of seeing all the negative comments about what he did. The man was ill and not thinking about the consequences of his actions! There is such ignorance to mental health. So well done Clarke ð
Absolutely, Linda. Well said.
I live in York, and that day just about all of York ground to a halt due to his actions. I bet he didn’t mention that he was up for his 3rd drink driving offence in January did he?
A very selfish man
Involvement of scum newspaper is bad. They trivialise etc.
clarks in a bad way obviously but in doing his thing he affected others too,ie lorry driver.
Depression should not be taken lightly. Hope he can find a way back and to manage his depression.
I feel sorry for the lorry driver, and the car drivers that had to witness this
on tv this morning showing his interview with the scum and not one word of sorrow for all the people he involved , but bet he got a nice big cheque from that scab paper and doesnt offer none to his victims .
I feel for anyone who is suffering.. and when someone/anyone isn’t in the right frame of mind who knows what they will do. Though i do feel so much for the lorry driver as well.. i hope he is ok & not suffering also.
So Clarke blew all his money..got depressed..drank too much..tried to end…public sympathy..endless support…poor Clarke.
WHAT ABOUT THE LORRY DRIVER HE TRAUMATISED ? WHO HAD TO GIVE HIS JOB UP BECAUSE HE WAS CONSTANTLY BREAKING INTO TEARS..HIS EX BOSS NOW STRUGGLING TO KEEP THINGS RUNNING…THEY GET ANY SYMPATHY OR PAID BY THE NEWSPAPERS ???
SELFISH..SPOILT..CLARKE..GET A GRIP.